This one is a classic, my friends.
This image is actually not a scan of the book I read like all the last ones were. I scanned my copy, but Photoshop decided to be a total dick so I stole it from Flickr, but it's the same copy I have. I don't have a big 'ol scratch on the lady's hat thing on my copy, though.
I don't really have anything bad to say about this cover other than it's inherent "wtf"-ness, it all goes along with the book. The lady's face makes me lol, though. She's looking in 2 directions.
One of the authors' names is "Cogswell" so of course I pictured him like this:
Just to let you know, this is going to be a long one. It's going to be chock full of lulz (...hopefully), but let's put it this way. I dog-ear every page I find a phrase I want to quote and uh...most of the book is dog-eared. I even had to dog-ear the bottom of the page a couple times because the facing page had something on it. Pages 42-54 are ALL dog-eared.
SO LET'S BEGIN, SHALL WE?
The book starts off mentioning the recent study of the planet Kyros and Kirk gets bored in his Captain's chair so the author decides to explain everything on the bridge. Like everything. It explains the shape of the bridge, who is where in relation to Kirk in detail, as in I'm surprised that Sulu is just in front of Kirk to his left instead of "35 degrees left-front of Kirk and exactly 1.5 meters from the tip of the Captain's shiny, polished jet-black shoe".
Also they describe Sulu as an "Oriental" (like the noun, not the adjective) and will never skip the chance to say so when someone's black. They call Uhura black like 3 times. But seriously, my mom says Oriental is food and rugs, not people.
Kirk: "'Ready to call it a day, Scotty?"
The big, bluff red-haired Scotsman nodded and--" wait a minute.
When in fuck's face did black and red become the same color?
...hey. I know what's going on here. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW, HAVE YOU COGSWELL? THAT'S WHY YOU'RE DESCRIBING IT IN DETAIL, SO WE DON'T SUSPECT! WELL. I found a slip-up. "Haired" isn't close enough to "shirted" for that to be a typo.
I got my eye on you, Cogs.
I'd like to point out that in any of the books I've read, the text format of Scotty's accent just kills me. It always "clears up" when he's talking about something sciencey, but I have a feeling it's because the authors get too lazy to write in brogue.
They find out that some crazy-go-nuts radiation is outside and it's like a SUPER-DANGER but not yet. Scotty's like "ehhhh whatever" but then they realize Spock's not back from the surface visit the night prior and they're like "...ok we need to get him back soon because you know the ship gon' be all FULL OF DEADLY RADIATION and shit.
So in order to give the book some
They figure out that the dop chips don't work too well and instead of just giving the wearer access to the Kyrosian's memories and experiences, it can sometimes take over the actions of the crewman with the chip. WOOPS! Some dude starts picking pockets and they're like "hm maybe we should like actually understand these chips before using them. HURHRHH." McCoy decides to do some brain re-wiring on people.
"'Sure thing, Jim.' McCoy replied amiably, 'I'll have Mbenga handle it[...]I'll also bring along a little something to help lubricate our thinking.'"
I was disappointed to find out that the lubricant was in fact alcohol.
After a short shower in which Kirk is described as having a "...taut, muscular body", McCoy has a little drinking party with Kirk in the Captain's quarters. They talk about Ensign George, a female science officer who was an important part of the recent Kyrosian journey, and how her dop is taking her over making her a total slut. She apparently decided to sex up the Kyrosians instead of studying them.
They start talking about just before they beamed them down and of course, like all the other females on the Enterprise, she had her eye on Spock. Kirk's like "God DAMMIT why do they all like HIM?
"The Captain grinned slyly at the medical officer.
'You're fond of our Vulcan iceberg, aren't you, Bones?'"
Oh Kirk, you're so crazy. You know how much Spock bugs him.
"McCoy stared at Kirk, harrumphed crustily (ew), and got to his feet.
'I'd better get to surgery and set up," he said, unwilling to continue a conversation which might force him to reveal his true feelings for the half-alien first officer."
Oh. Oh, my!
You don't have to cover up with grunts and insults anymore, it's ok. We know, Hell, the CAPTAIN knows how you really feel about Spock.
(Is...is this joke old yet? Because I'm still laughing.)
Kirk gets some bad news about the radiation outside (...it's big and scary and fast that's about all you need to know) and the only one to resist that radiation would be Spock. Duh. McCoy's like "of fucking COURSE amiright" then Kirk says:
"'Bones,' he asked, 'what are you doing up here? I thought you had our sexpot in surgery,'"
"Dr. McCoy laughed, 'I had Ensign George on the table, just--'" oh yeah her. Just...just kidding.
Then they go on a scannerchase for Spock and can't find him and McCoy still wonders why ladies like him even though we viewers/readers know the truth so they suspect he's dead or crazy and then they get a letter from Spock.
And the letter is like "Guize. Guize I see'd the light. I'm GOD! Isn't that TOTALLY AWESOME?? I'm going to totes re-vamp this place. It's all shitty. Oh, also, don't try and stop me. I got yer crystals that make warp drive and if you shoot at me or use a communicator I'll blow 'em up in my tricorder kthxbai. wbs! Love and muffins, Spock :)"
Then Kirk calls a meeting and everyone's like "uh what do we do" and Kirk's all "Well if we stay we get chewed up by radiation but if we go we can't communicate so we might die and if worse comes to worse I'll have to evacuate the ship which would be a hilarious surprise for the Kyrosians, 450+ people in futureclothes just chilling." then McCoy calls up the charts and shit for Spock's dop and was like "dude he should be almost exactly like Spock, I don't get the proble---OHHHH SHIT." the chart comes up for Spock's dop and it's a craaaazy different person than originally planned.
There are five things McCoy measured (among like 400 other things): IQ, LQ (logic quotient), EQ (emotional quotient), DQ (
So they figure out Spock was nuts and beamed aboard the ship and stole the warp crystals and scuttled away to the planet.
McCoy "'It wasn't our first officer who was prowling the ship night before last, it was the Messiah!'"
(Astoundingly, I didn't have to 'shop this that much.)
Then they try and figure out how it happened and grab Nurse Chapel and Ensign George and Kirk goes interrogator on their asses and is like "WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT OF OCTOBER THIRT-- I MEAN STARDATE...SOMETHING-OR-OTHER-POINT-FOUR?
Well then she admits it and is all "zomg I hate myself for it" and they pull up her dop and her dop is, and I quote, "'...a walking sex machine with as many inhibitions as a green Orion slave girl--namely none!'(McCoy)" then she was all" Yeah well in my dop-related insanity, I wanted Spock's butt and I wanted him to want my butt. And you know WHAT? I GOT SOME OF THAT VULCAN ASS. JEALOUS???"
No, really, she did.
Ensign George: "'We took off our clothes and made love. We were like two rutting cats.'"
TWO. RUTTING. CATS.
And of course Kirk is jealous and is like "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-breathe-AAAAAAAA
Kirk calls a new meeting and decides they should try and get Chag Gara so they can sever the tie between him and Spock. They want to bring Ensign Sara George with them because she's familiar with the planet and they'll put another filter on her dop chip to make sure the shit's at a level that's not "MUST. FUCK. SOMETHING."
Next they explain what Kirk and McCoy are wearing down to the planet and among the complicated description there were low cut vests and amulets and short pants and leather and whatever. I gave up and just pictured them in sailor suits.
Just before they beam down, Bones catches a glimpse of his skinny pale man-legs and is like "eeeeek!" and goes to get a quick spray-on tan before beaming down. Then seconds before energizing, he complains about how his knees are knobby. Poor McCoy, hates his knobby man-knees awwwwh.
They beam down and poke around and are generally weird and annoying trying to find Chag Gara until they hear of the messiah going to talk on some hill. They tell Sara to go be sexy at Chag Gara maybe he'll want to have some sexy times so she goes up and shakes her bon-bon and the Messiah, completely hidden behind the hood of the hill people, FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and Sara sees his eyes through the eyeholes and is like "wuuuhhh-ohahhhhh" and just skitters away back to where Kirk and McCoy are and tells them the Messiah that was up there wasn't Chag Gara like they thought, but Spock since he recognized her.
I should note here that all hill people (many of the Kyrosian people including the Messiah) wear mask/hoods that cover their faces. They believe if anyone sees their features, that person holds their soul and so always wear head coverings with eyeslits. It's like a fight-to-the-death offense to see a hill dude's face.
So they deduce that Spock's taken Chag Gara's identity and will do everything in his power to control the people and will succeed because he's insanely smart and persuasive.
Kirk "'He'll mold his listeners to his will in a way that will make Hitler look like a rank amateur."
This is only the first Hitler reference.
Then they go looking for Chag Gara so Spock doesn't get to him first and kill and/or kidnap him. They go around asking annoying questions and come up against vris. Vris is the Kyrosian version of steak. Except it smalls awful and it's made from Kyros horse-sized animals called neelots. From what I gather from the descriptions, neelots look like this:
But I got lazy and just pictured them as a bunch of these:
Made the book happier anyway.
They find Chag Gara's house but it's empty so they assume Spock's already ganked him. After more poking, they meet up with an out of work healer named Kaseme (who I pictured as a Hobbit, obviously) with huge bar tabs who exchanges information for paying off his debts. Scotty conveniently had made a matter replicator, so they had tons of money at their fingertips. After paying off all his stuff they find out Spock ganked Chag Gara from his house. Boo.
They need more time on the planet so they give Kaseme a bunch of money to be in high standing again and pay off all his debts and stuff and get him off the sauce. They beam back to the Enterprise right fast and implant McCoy and Kirk with healer dops so they can go incognito with Kaseme and "heal" people. Scotty made Kirk a club with a paralization dart hidden in it so when Kirk gets close to Spock, he can dart him.
Then a big 'ol Messiah-related shindig is gonna go down and the Messiah pulls up in his limo aka hearsecart pulled by neelots.
"[Kirk] felt safe from detection behind the healer's robe [and hood he wore], but a glance from the Messiah made him turn away. As he did so, a soft sigh escaped his lips. 'Spock...'"
Do what with that what you will.
"Kirk had a sudden memory of an ancient history tape of a small, mustachioed man wearing an armband with a twisted cross on it..."
Hitler ref #2 :U
Then he describes the "Afterbliss" which looks like a star on the horizon moving, but really it's the Enterprise woogling around in the sky, but the Kyrosians shit their pants and believe Spock's the Messiah. The Kirk darts him. WOOO HOO! Spock collapses in the van and Kirk and McCoy are like "WE'RE HEALERS LET US IN THERE WE CAN HELP! *cough we totally didn't shoot him cough*" they climb into the vanthing and are like "YESSSS WE WON" then they get clubbed by a now not-paralyzed Messiah and knocked out Kirk and McCoy. WOO!
Then Scotty saves the day by pulling them out of the madness...into a new madness. They hid in a house until the timed beaming and like cut off a dude's hand or something. Sara gets stabbed with something then they beam back and McCoy tapes her back together.
Kirk goes and takes a nap in nothing but his boots, McCoy comes in and brings him a cup of coffee at 7AM, Kirk is pissed because he wanted to be woken earlier (ever hear of an alarm clock?) and jumps out of bed and McCoy makes fun of the fact that he's wearing boots, not the fact that I got the impression that he's not wearing anything else.
Sara invents this interceptor device that's supposed to fuck up Spock's chip dealie but she's got to be a meter away ffrom him, so of course, they're gonna go back down. They only have a few days before the radiation kills them or they evacuate, so they need them warp crystals Spock's got in the tricorder. They devise a plan to become Beshwa, Kyrosian gypsies. The Beshwa pretty much go where they like and no one really cares so THERE, THEY'VE GOT A PLAN.
So they rustle up a Beshwa cart and Chekov gets bit in the ass by a neelot. Well, they need neelots to pull the van and Chekov's not much of a wrangler. McCoy turns into a drawling southerner for a minute (Georgia doctor etc.) and wrangles the neelots like it's NOTHIN' because McCoy's a BADASS.
Then they (Kirk, McCoy, Chekov, and Scotty) give themselves mohawks. Apparently that's what the Beshwa do.
The Beshwa is a screamo band.
Then there's a bunch of talk about moving around the caravan and Sara getting naked and taking a swim.
Dude I have no idea.
They find this huge feild of posed dead people, like stabbed through and standing up because the sword through them is through a piece of wood or fencepost. Also, heads in the well.
Scotty: "'...Great Lord of Space.'"
They come up to some hill warriors and make nice and the warriors are like "u die nao" and Kirk's like "but... j 3j" and they tie everyone up and bring them with them to their leader, Tram Bir. Tram Bir's like "ugh just kill them" and they almost do when Tram Bir's son comes sauntering in on a neelot and has been shanked through the chest with something pointy. McCoy's like "WAIT WE'LL MAKE HIM BETTER IF YOU DON'T KILL US" and Tram Bir's like "HRMMMM okay" so they take him in the back of their caravan and use the Starfleet medkit McCoy brought (like you do? I guess?) and stitch him up and make sure to leave a scar. However, they had to tear off his hood/mask to treat a concussion and when the son woke, he shat himself and was like "YOU'VE SEEN MY FACE YOU HOLD MY SOULLLLLL" and the crew were like "dude, we're Beshwa we don't give a shit. We don't wear hoods" and the son was like "MY FATHER WILL KILL YOUUUU" and they were like "oh, oops." so of course the next logical step is the son cuts his and Kirk's hand open and they do that blood-mingle thing and
So Greth of course challenges him to a fight to the death but the Beshwa are to have lived unarmed their entire lives so Chekov has to sort of throw the fight but gets stabbed in the tummy and OH NO oh wait McCoy made fake tummy and armor so Chekov is perfectly fine and comes out and shows Greth and is like "HAHA I'M ALIIIIVE" and Greth shits himself AND THEN KIRK AND THE CREW GET TO GO PLAY AT THE MESSIAH GATHERING YAAAAY! Oh but wait Sara can't go she's a woman then she DOES A STRIPTEASE!
Kirk:"'I think [Tram Bir] has a few plans for our little ensign.'
McCoy chuckled. 'I don't doubt it. When she tossed her g-string to the crowd on her final exit, I had a few myself.'"
BONERS YAAAAY!! YAAAAY AND NOW SHE GETS TO GO! YAY!!!
AND EVERYONE HAS A HANGOVER THE NEXT DAY! HOORAYYYY!
So they go watch the Messiah do his shit and the Messiah lights some big shit on fire and tractor beams bring up the dead in the deathfield and Spock is like "look they're going to heaven, right? riiiight?" and the people shat themselves AGAIN.
Then the crew were like "dude, Tram Bir, tell the Messiah we want to entertain him. Sexy entertainment, hah? HAH? Remember that time? HAH??" and Tram Bir is all "FINE" so it's all set up and the crew put on weird animal heads for disguise and costume and Sara puts on a mask and cloak and...that's it and they play music and she dances for the Messiah in a right unholy manner
"Ensign George was pure, unadulterated, wanton sex." This book is 90% sex, I'm telling you.
She's got the device to fuck up Spock's dop chip turned on with it on her wrist but nothing happens? Whatttt? Well then the Messiah's like "sup, Kirk?" and they're all like "...oops" and the warriors tie up Sara and take her away. They get to talking with the Messiah and try to tell him the ship's in danger but he's like "eh, I think I'll move up there. Might be fun. I miss chess."
Messiah: "'Ensign George doesn't have exclusive rights. I'm looking forward to brightening the nights of Nurse Chapel and a few of the others.'"
DIZZAMN, SPOCK! GITCHO FREAK ON~
Then the crew's tied up and tossed outside in the cold rain, pissed off and freezing. They get to talking about Sara and how she's all NOT tied up but then again she probably won't be up for sexing the Messiah like she was before.
McCoy: "'...she's far from that bitch in heat Spock coupled with at the inn.'" I like it when McCoy says "bitch" hurrh.
Then some italicized text insinuates some MORE sex between the Messiah and Sara and struggles and grabbings of the crew and puttings of them in the wagon and pushings a flaming van at Kirk and the crew AND THEN!
And then the Messiah's on a hill starting to preach when Spock dressed in white transports down and deathgrips the Messiah.
Spock then tells the scads of hillmen that they were following a false messiah and he was a demon and what he's told them was all wrong. He told them the risen dead were only moved and put the dead back on the ground and told them to return to the old ways.
I mean if Spock came down from the sky and just told me to do stuff after appearing in front of me, I'd do it. I'd do anything Spock told me, damn.
Anyway, so it all turns out that other than a couple times, the Messiah was Chag Gara the whole time. The only times it was Spock was when he was on the ship and the time he "woke up too fast" that time Kirk darted the Messiah. Chag Gara was able to control Spock's body through the dop and able to keep him unconscious but still access his memories and knowledge so he was a logical persuasive whirlwind of asshole. Sara George had figured it out when she was being all touchyfeely with the Messiah and noticed he had rounded ears, then she whacked him on the head with a lamp to knock him out. The link was severed and the "Messiah" is a crazy dude again.
Then Spock goes and plays 3D chess alone and Kirk and McCoy have another mini-drinking party.
However, I'm still not positive whether the dude Sara George fucked the first time was Spock or the other guy, but I'd guess the other guy.