Chairman Mao (stablercake) wrote in trash_in_space,
Chairman Mao
stablercake
trash_in_space

Star Trek Re-Cap #7 - Killing Time

Sorry it took me so long to do this one, guise. I've had so much to do unrelated to Star Trek (astounding, I know) including bageling and getting my art scene under way BUT during my lunch break every day I diligently read some Killing Time to, well, kill time. I know you're eager, so let's get the styrofoam boulder rolling.







The title text is supposed to be gold foil so I guess that just doesn't scan well. Most of what I have to say about this title is summed up in this:

THE EIGHTIES!


Just look at that teased hair, LOOK AT IT! Gaze upon it and tremble.

So here we have Command!Spock in his yellow uniform and Superman cape even though in the book they specify his shirt being maroon. I don't think "BORIS" actually reads these books.

LET US BEGIN THE BEGUINE.

Book starts off talking about the crew's whacked-out sleeping patterns. Spock goes and talks to Kirk and they both admit insomnia and fucked up dreams. Kirk's eyes are hazel and twinkling, as usual, and they have this kind of awkward banter back and forth trying to find out what the dreams were about and as the reader you're like OH MY GODDDD THEY'RE DREAMING ABOUT EACHOTHER AAAA then Kirk deflects and asks if Spock's eaten yet so they get ready to go food up.

"'I have not eaten this morning,' [Spock said], '...And we need not inform Doctor McCoy as to the menu.'"



I dunno lmao

So then we're on the bridge following Jeremy Richardson plus the normal bridge gang. He sits down and starts chatting it up with Uhura and Sulu and we learn he's a creepy sex-fiend ladies' man except the ladies turn him down all the time. He makes a joke about dating someone named S'Parva which we learn is a female quadraped alien that most closely resembles an Irish Setter. (I tried to photomanip this, but picturing a dog in a sciences fleet shirt walking around the ship is just so much better than anything I can make) Then Uhura calls Richardson a tomcat and Richardson starts meowing and being generally awkward then Uhura calls up McCoy:

"'...we seem to be having a problem with...vermin...on board the Enterprise. There's one large tomcat up here begging to be neutered.'"

Page 6, book is fucking weird.

Cut to Kirk and Spock not eating in the mess hall. They talk about how in their dreams they are them but not they picture themselves to be and are not happy about it then Kirk stops to get upset that the OJ isn't real OJ. RAWR. They both dreamed Spock was Captain and Kirk was an ensign and are like ":O" but Kirk tells Spock to button his lip until they can get some other people to say they've been having goofy dreams so they know they're not, you know, completely insane.

Cafard? Anyone?

So Kirk tries to make a joke calling Spock "Captain" and then Spock doesn't get it and ruins the joke with logic but really he's just saying he doesn't want to be the pitcher this time.

Kirk takes a swim after learning some other officers had dreams.

"'Nothing conclusive,' he told himself. 'Everybody dreams. Period. Drop it, Kirk. Stop looking for Klingons under every latrine.'"



Yes, okay.

Then we meet Yeoman S'Parva who is an Irish Setter alien that can but finds it difficult to walk on 2 legs. She has "fingers" and she's got psychic powers and apparently is the first of her race to get on board a starship. Whatever. Richardson sits down and has a chat with her and she accepts him as a "friend, companion, teacher, little brother" etc bullshit then he complains of "dreams" like the others.

DUN DUN DUNNN

Then Kirk and Spock play chess.

"'I don't mean to keep whipping a dead horse, Spock,' he began, 'but...from what I've found out--about the dreams--it's starting to give me the willies.'
The Vulcan stared mutely at his captain. 'What would it profit to administer punishment to a deceased lifeform, Captain?'"


Tenderizing, Spock, tenderizing.

Then Kirk strips for Spock changes into something more comfortable



So Spock and the Brawny man go for a long walk on the beach stroll through the corridors. AND THEN THEY ENTER THE FAKE EARTH PARK. It shows up quite often and Spock doesn't want to goooo because it's all huuumid and stuff and Kirk drags him in and Spock gets all weird about it. Kirk starts thinking about the future assuming he'd still be cruising the stars in 20 years but looking at Spock remembers the episode "Amok Time" the whole Vulcan unbonded madness and how Spock is walking a line between life and death of the pon farr blood fever. Frowny faise :C

"Surely, he told himself, Spock wouldn't die. Surely, he told himself, there would be someone with whom the Vulcan could bond, someone who could walk the path with him, balance him, love him."

Of course this whole time I'm like "UM, LIKE YOU?"

So Kirk shows Spock his super secret paper and it says the mission is extended until further notice which is not good since the ship is bored and needs a break. There's apparently Romulan evil afoot in the Neutral Zone and Kirk is, again, the closest one to the madness. Then each of them internally gush about how the other is just so nifty-keen.

"Kirk sighed and reached out to cover the Vulcan’s hand with his own. Men like Spock weren't standard issue."

Holding haaaaaaaands! Cuuuute!

Then Bones and Kirk have a drink. Kirk's like "Spock had the same dreams" and Bones is like "well wtf why didn't you say that before" and starts jotting down stuff. Kirk asks what's going on,

McCoy: "'I'm a doctor,' [...] 'not a dream merchant.'"

Though I really have no idea what a dream merchant is, the "I'm a doctor, not a noun" made me laugh.

Then Kirk wakes up in AN ALTERNATE REALITY! 8U

He keeps freaking out why he would think of Spock, the Vulcan Captain of the ShiKahr, as a friend when he's never even met the man and is furious that he's not a Starship captain like he thought then shoots up some heroin something crazy and we find out he's been tortured in a manner of speaking with the Talos Device (OOOH WEE OOOOOH~) Keeps freaking out about "SHE" then the reader realizes OH FUCK it's The Enterprise he's talking about, not some silver moon girl.

Cut to Captain of the VSS ShiKahr Spock roaming the hallways checking stuff off a clipboard then has CRIPPLING MADNESS ATTACK!

"...before he could gain his feet, a face materialized before his mind's eye: firm features, tanned flesh, expressive hazel eyes, and a compelling human grin. Single lock of gold-bronze hair falling to the middle of a high forehead. Still...a stranger. A man who inhabited dreams.
T'hy'la? He wondered briefly if this human could be the companion, the friend, the brother."




Is anyone else dying because I am dyinggg. The attention to awkward detail is so perfect but you know it's almost of not any fun making the manips when they're so blatantly homoerotic.

Wait, yes it is.

Then Scotty comes along starting his boner deflation duty of the night and tries to take Spock to sickbay but Spock's like "nuuuu I'll be fiiiine" then goes and takes a nap.

Then Kirk gets the snot beat out of him by his roommate. In this little spat, we learn Kirk doesn't like authority. Duh.

'"I understand that you were probably playing with dolls and wearing lipstick until you were twenty! And I also understand that you’re probably double jointed—since you’ve got your head so far up your ass that you’ll never see the light of day again!'"



(Um, I couldn't photoshop that, so I had to illustrate it lmao)

So he's obviously totally fucking weird and the only reason he's in the fleet is because it was the better alternative to prison. No, really, that last part is true.

Spock on the bridge looks to his old console.

"For some reason, the computer facility beckoned him, calling him in a way that was scarcely natural;"



So then this kid Carl tries to blow up the ship because of crazy and they take him to sickbay and Spock wants to play.

"...McCoy keyed in the code and opened the door. He grinned broadly as the Vulcan entered. Despite the fact that he'd been on board nearly as long as the the captain himself, he wondered if he could ever get used to the psyche games they always seemed to play. He looked at the Vulcan for a long moment, studying the familiar maroon command silks, the gold tie belt, and pants which fell to the top of knee length black boots."



Descriptions are so awkward I mean yeah sure exposition, gotta know what AlternateUniverse!Spock looks like but...awkward.

So of course McCoy whips out some brandy because, well, that's just what he does.

"'Guaranteed to put hair on your chest and raise welts on women and children!'"



I dunno about you, but I'm SOLD!

Then S'Parva (the girl-dog-doctor thing) gives Nurse Chapel an extremely lesbianesque "neck massage" while Chapel gets all upset about not being able to girl-bone Spock.

"'I don't know what--or who--he's looking for out here, S'Parva,[...]but I hope he'll find it one day,'"

Um...Kirk? I mean seriously, every other hint.

Ok then like 30 pages go by where nothing interesting really happens. People start going crazy, having crazy dream magic, that kind of billshat. They theorize the crazy is happening to multiple people and want to run some tests and Kirk's not showing up for work or requests for his presence from the Captain.

So finally they get Kirk to go see the principal Captain. Spock gets a little weirded out and starts going pseudonuts again.

"His inner eye saw gold and blue, merging and twining together, forming a union and a rapport. A perfect balance upon which starships were run."

Do you see what I mean about almost not being fun? I MEAN IT'S RIGHT THERE!

"There was no mistaking the intense hazel eyes, the almost defiant stance, the muscled body, the lock of errant hair which fell to the middle of the human's forehead."



I--I don't even--do you even need me? I mean I have no purpose if the book's gonna be like that. Those last two quotes were even on the same page!

Then we learn Kirk was under suspicion for killing a guy and he didn't and Spock finds the lovebites bruises from the roommate guy that beat the crap out of him and is all dismayed and moves Kirk into a new room. Kirk is all "I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF" and calls Spock a half-breed.

Man. Low blow, Kirk.

At this point I would like to mention the sheer amount of times McCoy bounces on his toes. I didn't keep count, but it had to be something like 20 or 25 times. Everywhere I turn, McCoy bouncing on his toes. Of course by the time I'd noticed him bouncing so much, I pretty much just pictured him doing the pogo like a madman.

OH! OH NOW WE GET TO PLAY WITH ROMULANS!

So we meet Tazol who is the commander of the flagship Ravon but is just a complete warrior dunce and his science officer wife Sarela who does not want to be his wife and who I suspect is gay, but more on that later just totally tells him he's a massive dumbass. We learn the Romulans planned this dimensional shift by going back in time and killing the dudes that started the Federation of Planets but instead of being free of the Federation, a different one called the Alliance was set up on Vulcan shortly after, making many of the Alliance officers Vulcan instead of Terran. So they pretty much did a lot of work for nothing and Tazol thinks they're still going according to plan and his wife is like "fuck you you're a retard". After this we explore the Praetor who has decided to chill on the ship. Tazol is freaking a little and thinks about how previous Praetors have had lady eye candy and this one has man eye candy and no children so ensues his "lol gay" for the moment.

Back to the Enterprise ShiKahr, by magic McCoy figures out they're in the wrong dimension and people are going crazy because they're in roles in this universe they shouldn't be in. Like the guy that went nuts and tried to blow up the ship just went nuts because he was torn by two timelines. McCoy's not going nuts just because he's in the same role on both ships so whatever. Also, somehow through Science Fiction magic, Spock decides it's gonna be exactly 15 Standard Vulcan days before EVERYONE just goes nuts and dies. Then they find that some of the brainscans reveal Kirk on the tapes and they're like "wut". Then they talk about The Talos Device which is basically torture and why he's all drug-addicted and shit.

"'...I'd better get back to my beads and rattles.' For a moment, the doctor jolted internally. It seemed so natural...like a memory of a dream...Spock calling him a witch doctor...while someone else stood in the background suppressing a smile...Someone else. The third side of the triangle. Golden-haired, golden-eyed human[...]Blue and gold. Warmth and companionship. Stolen moments when the firm Vulcan mask did not have to fit so tightly."



Wow that looks like a Saved By The Bell advert. RAD~!

So Spock knows about Kirk's little drug problem and McCoy tells him the only way to get delicious delicious meth lidacin is to meet up with Spock at his room. So he does.

"He glanced up, meeting the Vulcan's eyes. Somehow, shirtless and with hair slightly disheveled, the ShiKahr’s legendary captain appeared vulnerable in the dim lighting…almost reachable."

Disheveled...vulnerable? I know where this is going.

Wait...wait, it doesn't go anywhere?

Shucks.

"Spock felt himself weaken under the human’s scrutiny. He glanced away from the intense hazel globes."



Kirk sees what I did there



"The Vulcan shivered, glancing forlornly across the room to the discarded shirt. Yet he knew that no amount of clothing could cover up his psychic nakedness; Kirk could strip him to marrow with a single question."

PSYCHIC NAKEDNESS


Also can anyone tell me what posessed Spock to be shirtless at this point? I mean yeah, they're his quarters, but I mean if you were going to have a meeti-- you know what never mind I'm totally not going to complain about shirtless Spock.

After Kirk's shower:

"He reached into the closet, withdrawing a red silk uniform tunic. But Richardson quickly came over, snatched the red shirt away and tossed it across the room. 'Here,' he said [handing him] a blue shirt. 'Live a little--and a little longer, Jim,' he urged.
Kirk's brows questioned.
'Let's just say that on this ship--and probably any other--you don't want to wear a red shirt on landing party duty.'"


I am so glad the expendability of the redshirts are fucking canon in this universe.

Oh, then they go on planetfall and get attacked by natives and Spock gets ganked in the back with a spear and his last words before collapsing are "'Jim!'" of course. So at the same time, both Kirk and this other guy were in danger and Spock was closer to the other guy but instead shot his phaser at the one threatening Kirk thus killing the other dude. Oops. But I mean hey, how many times has Spock tried to save his Captain? Oh wait,

Ohohoho alternate universe, you're so sneaky.

BACK TO THE ROMULANS!

Science lady Sarela meets up with the Praetor in super secret quarters who is GASP, A WOMAN! and clearly not a Mary Sue of the author. /cough/

The Praetor whose name is Thea was the only child of her father, the previous Praetor. Yay. So what you need to know is her father did this whole alternate timeline plan before he died so she just had to go through with it so the people wouldn't suspect the Praetor had died and had been replaced. So Thea's got a plan that she wants to change the Romulan ways with the Vulcan Tenents of Discipline. Sarela's like uh it won't work the Warriors are too nuts and you can't give them, they won't believe the Praetor's a girrrrl duh. So Thea's like "WELL that may be but I'VE GOT AN IDEA!" so she tells Sarela about dealing with the ShiKahr because she remembers first history (as do many Romulans) and came in contact with the Enterprise before and has a beef with Spock.

SO SHE HATCHES A PLAN.

She's gonna capture Kirk and tell Spock that she stole his lover Ensign and won't give him back unless he delivers the Tenets of Discipline to the warriors posing as the Praetor. I think she knows Kirk and Spock aren't actually well aquainted in this world, but also knows they have that weird bromance bond. The Praetor tells Sarela that if she joins her that she'll let her divorce Tazol and stop working under him because he's an idiot also Thea bribes her with a free slave man.

FREE SEXY SLAVE MAN WITH EVERY CONSPIRACY! BUY INTO IT NOW!


I want a free hot pointy-eared slave dude, damn.

BACK TO THE ENTERPRISE SHIKAHR.

Spock's been spear'd and is in sickbay:

"'J-Jim?' he whispered [...] he wondered why he should be addressing the young Ensign as 'Jim,' and precisely why he should think that Kirk, of all people, would be leaning over him. And yet, as with so many things, it seemed natural, familiar...as if it had happened that way countless times before."

CUTE.

"'It's McCoy,' the voice explained [...]
Sinking back on the bed, the Vulcan felt a moment of disappointment mingle with confusion."


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh that is fucked up, Spock.

So we find out Kirk is just dandy but that dude Spock should have proooobably saved totally died. Oops.

So then we learn the guy who told them to go to that planet where they got shanked is craaaaaazeeeeeee and this is all relayed by McCoy from Chekov. Spock asks a question:

"'I'm a doctor,' [McCoy says,] 'not a carrier pigeon.'"



Oh...oh not a carrier pigeon, okay.

McCoy bounces on his toes again and we move on to S'Parva who's gonna rape read Richardson's mind. While reading his dreams, Kirk in his gold command uniform and sparkling hazel eyes (again) shows up and when Richardson wakes up he's all "'Jim[...]Captain Kirk!'" Apparently this is a trend. I always expect them to say "FOOTBALL PRACTICE" but I guess next time I wake up from being knocked out, I'll yell for Captain Kirk.

Oh wait, no I probably already do in an alternate universe, no change necessary.

Then Spock goes into the fake earth room again and thinks about Vulcan and how he can't really go back after the alternate dimensional but still basically the same "Amok Time" episode being bitchslapped by that cheating hussy T'Pring.

Then he goes searching through the bushes and finds what else but Jim Kirk in fetal position napping in the sun. (OH ALSO ON THIS PAGE, I FOUND A TYPO! They spelled "afternoon" as "afternnon" lmao) So of course the next logical step would be to INITIATE A MIND MELD! So he does and Kirk wakes up and is like "uh what are you doin" and Spock talks all halted and awkward and "A fallen leaf tangled in [Kirk's] golden hair" as he shows a sense of humor for the first time in this universe by playing it off and admitting he feels like he's in a charade while also "...studying the angular face of his commanding officer--the thin lips and dark eyes and the lithe feline musculature." and he for sure knows Spock even if they haven't really been acquainted and Spock's like "yea me too duder" oh man and then Kirk is like "why did you let that dude die and save me?" and Spock says it was a miscalculation which is a super lie. His head is going nuts yelling that he's a liar unfit for command and for Vulcan. Then Kirk gets pissed that Spock saved him and Spock gets pissed right back because "Kirk had led him on, had practically asked for the meld"

NO MEANS NO, SPOCK! NO MEANS NO!

"Without completely understanding what he was doing, Spock rolled over, covering the ensign’s writhing body with his own. Powerful Vulcan hands seized Kirk’s wrists, forcing muscular arms easily to the ground despite violent resistance."

NO MEANS NOOOO!

"Using Vulcan strength, Spock seized both of Kirk’s wrists in one hand, holding him immobile. With his legs, his scissored the human’s ankles; ebony-black eye stabbed through hazel-golden pools, compelling cooperation. With his free hand, he reached for the human’s face, fingers spreading and seeking the neural centers necessary to a link."

KIRK WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR RAPE WHISTLE?

Oh oh and then in the meld they revisit "The City on the Edge of Forever" and another episode and Kirk's ladies and how the ship was always more important. His silver goddess and the only other person this Enterprise device would accept was Spock and it is all that is real aaaa

So Kirk wakes up and Spock is like "oh my god what have I done someone get me like 500 towels" and he's like "we have to report this" and Jim is all "BUT YOU'VE SHOWN ME THERE IS SOMETHING WORTH LIVING FOR!" and Kirk completely validates the fact that he just got fucking (mind) raped.

Then Spock goes back to thinking about what to do since it's like only a little while til insanity breaks loose and that commander that sent them to the planet is nuts so he looks for solace in another ship. WHICH IS PILOTED BY CAPTAIN PIKE! And Pike is like "something's up :|" and Spock is like "can u keep a seecrit? BITCHES BE CRAZY BECAUSE WE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE" Pike's like "oh ok, take care of that, would ya? g2g :D" the whole few pages was just to get the story straight and to cameo Pike, so there you go.

Kirk goes down to sickbay without the Captain:

McCoy: "'If that Vulcan's not half crazy, I'll eat my shingle!'"



So Kirk's all happy because he just got laid has a reason to live, meaning the promise of a better alternate universe. McCoy is a doctor, not a film critic and the fact that Kirk ought to be Captain which was proven by various brain scan tapes of like everyone on board and Kirk says it just "feels right" which is obviously a replacement for fact now.

So of course when it rains it pours and Spock's got the Pon Farr. I kid you not, even after that delightful (mind) rape session, he's got the Pon Farr. Well, I mean he'd been sorta crazy for a couple chapters, emotions and all that (and a mind rape) so now he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that he's got the Pon Farr.



See, even this Pon Farr thing, he's like "WHERE WILL I FIND A BOND MATE AAA VULCAN IS NOT THE ANSWER WHAT WHO WILL I DOOO" and the reader's like "K--Kirk? Maybe? Isn't that what you want us to think?" I mean on the same page when Spock's walking down the hall:

"...he couldn't help noticing the empty spot by his side...a place which, in another place and time, would have been filled by Kirk."

I mean if they're not blatantly pointing to Kirk as his bond-mate, I just...I don't even know what's real anymore, IS THIS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE?

Then Spock hits up the bridge where they've come in contact with a Romulan scoutship in distress and Spock tractor beams it onto the ship. Sarela and Thea are aboard the little ship and are like "sup guise" (btw, they don't say that Thea is the Praetor) and Spock, suspecting they planned on the capture, starts asking boring questions you don't care about because the Romulans are just lying anyway. Spock locks them up in a room and goes on his merry way.

Cut to Kirk being woken up by the door buzzer and 2 Vulcan security officers come in demanding he and his roommate Richardson come with them. They're really pushy and Kirk notices they're not the usual security dudes, but

"...the Red Shirts seemed to come and go far more quickly than anyone else."

Lol redshirt humor.

So Kirk has a feeling and asks the officers for the daily computer code sequence that all security officers are required to know. Of course, the dudes don't know it and get superbly pissed that he even ask such a question and Kirk's like "ohoho you got mad, you aren't Vulcansss" so he figures out they're Romulans but they get overpowered anyway and end up passing out.

Cut to Thea telling Spock that they ganked his lover best bud and his best bud's roommate and put them on some random Romulan Empire planet and the idea is Spock gives the Tenants posing as the Praetor or they leave Kirk and Richardson on whatever the hell planet they're on. But you knew that. Anyway, he's supposed to deliver them in like a week but he knows the Pon Farr will eat him by then. Then Spock discusses it with McCoy in private where Bones bounces on his toes twice in two pages and just yells at Spock for considering doing what the Praetor asks. Spock's got a plan to try and rifle through the Romulan records when he gets on the mothership Ravon, but McCoy thinks that plan is very very retarded and also knows Spock's got the Pon Farr but the douche doesn't offer to fix it or anything, god. Then he goes nuts and is like "IF YOU THINK YER GONNA GO WITHOUT ME YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN'" and Spock's all "awh, ok you can come c:" then McCoy bounces happily on his toes. No really. Then Spock's like "yeah you can be my companion, but...you know Romulans call it something else" and before you can say "concubine", he clarifies that he meant "slave".

Then Spock pseudo-dreams about Jim, calling his name out in his head and being weird, figuring out they have a slight telepathic link and then falls asleep to the blood fever of Pon Farr. What am I supposed to think, book?

Jim wakes up on some alien planet, strips his shirt off, then puts a splint on Richardson's broken arm. Jim asks if it feels better:

Richardson: "'Do Gorns fly?'"

This took me a minute to process as being the starfleet version of the idiom "do pigs fly" and I thought he was asking genuinely because he saw a flying Gorn.



So they figure out they have a tent and food and stuff, enough to last a long while anyway. Then they think maybe because of the mind meld, Kirk can communicate with Spock (via his "dark, angular features".) Richardson had a psychic thing with S'Parva the dog doctor so he tries to reach her too.

So Spock plays dress-up is all gussied up like the Praetor in black hood and all and is supposed to pose as a Romulan while on the Ravon to fool everyone but of course Sarela, Thea, and her few servants. So Spock is informed as to what to do and gets access to a Romulan terminal. He finds out they're behind the time travel thing (duh), McCoy bounces on his toes, and they find out that the only way to access the files they need is through a main terminal. Oh also somehow Ms. dogface S'Parva made it on the Operation: Foil the Romulans and Get the Girl Rightful Captain team. With her help, they hatch a plan to get to a terminal. The details aren't interesting.

So McCoy tells Spock they're getting to a point where his drugs won't help his Pon Farr-ism and Spcok's like "I FUCKING KNOW" and McCoy's like "WELL FUCK, EVERYONE ON THE DAMN SHIKAHR'S BEEN TRYING TO GET IN YOUR PANTS FOR YEARS, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T JUST FUCK ONE OF THEM? WHAT ABOUT MEEEE?" (that non-struck out part was actually in the book) then Spock flips and throws Bones against a wall and threatens his life. Blood fever isn't any fun for anyone at this point and as McCoy points out, he doesn't understand why Spock's so "'...set against something that's supposed to be enjoyable!'"

"The tour lasted precisely forever"

Uh, I dunno it made me laugh hahaha

So Spock requests for McCoy: "'I request the presence of my personal slave, T'Lennard,'"

Please note the use of the feminine "T'" in the prefix. I know a few other male Romulans in this book were named with "T'", but I'm just saying.

"Dressed in elaborate Romulan slave attire, the doctor appeared vaguely ridiculous. Flowing silk robes tapered to the floor in splashes of bright colors and the ornate gold collar around the human's neck shed an air of mystique to the normally reserved surgeon."



Then he speaks Romulan in a Southern accent. Go figure.

I feel sort of bad that it's so easy to photoshop Bones on women. Lmfao.

Thea's like "oh, you're ACTUALLY ill, ok" then questions McCoy's ability to take care of the situation and I have a laugh at McCoy's almost implied sexual deficiency. Also him getting upset in a kimono, that's funny right there.

Spock tries to hatch a plan that involves a spaceship that runs on hopes and dreams. It involves the slingshot-around-a-star/sun theory which is visited quite a few times in the Star Trek novels when they want to time travel. This is no exception. Spock then falls asleep and is interrupted by dreams of the Neutral Zone and a blue sun and a certain configuration of stars and Jim calling "Spock?" and Spock's all "Jim?

"For a moment, the stars took them, molded them together. One thought. One mind."

So I guess they brainsex in psychic dreamland and Spock now HAS A VAGUE MAP OF WHERE KIRK IS! How incredibly psychically convenient.

Sadly, now Kirk is feeling some of the pain of the blood fever through the link and wakes up hardly able to breathe then hops in a pool and realizes though it's freezing, he's hot as balls.

McCoy is pissed now because he can't do anything for Spock.

"He cared for the Vulcan--perhaps more than professional ethics should have permitted..."

Yes yes, we know.



Oh man. This part.

So Thea comes in (remember Thea got burned by Spock in First History, but now she's all "aw") and she's like "dude he's ill, you can't do anything for him Bones" and Bones is all "MOTHER FUCKER I WILL NOT TAKE FACT AS AN ANSWER well alright." so he leaves and Thea like comes on to Spock? I mean she says it's all for his health and it's the only way he'll be over the Pon Farr is to bond with her.

I mean, fine, whatever, of course they're not going to actually have Kirk/Spock bone in a book, but this as an alternative feels forced. This feels like the author is like "oh man you know what would be great is if I make a character that is totally not me that's the Praetor AND gets to bone Spock, I AM SPACE GOD".

Ok, well, they don't actually say that Thea and Spock do the nasty, but they do psychically bond, so it's sort of implied? I dunno. You get all this Kirk boner stuff going on throughout the book but then Spock bonds with Thea so it's like she overcame the obstacle that IS that stout muscular body and sparkling hazel eyes with 80s hair and a convenient vagina. Maybe it's just me.

However I do justify it as "he would have died and Kirk was on a different planet".

So now Spock doesn't have the Pon Farr anymore. Hooray for small victories. So they have an argument with Thea about what's going down, you know the crazy and all.

Then Thea goes to meet this dude Tavor who was apparently a former lover, now he's a General with annoying shoulder-length hair. Well, Tavor still has the hots for Mary Sue Thea and Thea now has the hots for Spock even though she thought it was just the Spock crazy that was making her dig him so now she doesn't want Tavor, she wants Spock but since they're Romulans it's just a tense conversation about how much crazy is happening and how he will wait and even protect her chosen companion. Man, Thea is a bitch.

Also I think Della Van Hise had one confused ex-boyfriend after this book was published.

So Thea asks Spock to stay with her and Spock's like "we are way too different, come from two different worlds, not to mention I still plan on rocketing away after this whole speech to the Romulans thing to go find my boyfriend and, you know, travel back in time and save the universe. Again." So she can't have Spock because, among other things, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the goddamn few or the one.

Thea: "'...I need you, the Empire needs you...What more can there be?'
[Spock:]'James Kirk,'"


FUCKING RIGHT, JAMES T. KIRK.

She keeps fighting him and he's like "dude, get the fuck off it, I'm going to go find my boyfriend, save the universe, and go back to how everything should be because I don't really like being crazy anymore, thanks loads. Just gonna go...over here now."

Spock's now come to terms with the fact that after this whole saving the universe thing, his current body/mind will not exist so in essence, he will die. Oh well, at least he won't be crazy as fuck.

Oh man, then she puts her hand to his chest and feels his Vulcan heart. Which, I guess is plausible since you could feel one's heartbeat if you were just sort of near it but as many of you super nerds know, the Vulcan heart is located where the human liver would be. Not in the chest, but mid-abdomen. /nerdcore

Then Thea talks to herself in a hallway. Creepy.

So Thea decides to actually help him and take the first shuttle they got tractor beamed with into the past so Spock can save the universe. Spock says they have to pick up Kirk first, he must have the space pot or something.

So Kirk wakes up to a spaceship outside and is confused to see his captain walk out of a Romulan ship and through brain speak he goes "Spock?" and Spock goes "I'm here, Jim," and it's seconds away from being a hug fest. They hop on the ship and are on the way and Spock is explaining all this stuff and Kirk's like "how do we know we can trust them" and "Spock's like well I...you know...with...the Praetor...you know *lewd hand gestures* the pon farr..." and Kirk's like "OH...oh...well, you're alive anyway so that's...that's all that matters *cough*" then Spock's like PHEW you're ok with that, awesome.

So Kirk makes a euphemism about stuff he's commanded being the size of a bathtub and Spock makes another euphemism about having Kirk imagine the Enterprise as a rubber duck in the bathtub of the universe. Then something I don't understand happens and Kirk laughs and tells Spock that the phrase is "rubber ducky" when I was under the impression that the two were one and the same.

Well, who cares:



So they get to Earth and land in San Fransisco to save the dude who started Starfleet from getting choked like a bitch.

Well come to find out the operatives doing the killing of the Starfleet guys are actually androids so RAD they have to fight ROBOTS. Kirk notices Spock's wool hat and manly chest while Spock notices Kirk's golden hair and Richardson is like "Guys? guys I'm still here"

So there's this big banquet going on for the Starfleet inventor dude (Doctor Palmer) and Kirk, Spock, and Richardson just sort of walk in and wait for shit to start then Kirk bursts open the doors, rips off Spock's hat and is like "HEY GUYS! LOOK AT THIS WEIRD SHIT! EAAAAARS!" and so everyone in the room is like "what in fuck's face is that dude doing" EXCEPT FOR TWO OF THEM. The two are of course the androids which couldn't give less of a shit about the Vulcan since killing the dude is the prime directive. Therefore, through Kirk's obnoxiousness, we have once again taken a step in saving the universe in the most retarded way possible.

So the robots go nuts and start trying to kill Palmer but Kirk pushes him out of the way so he doesn't die and the robots shoot stuff at him. They're little pointy pills with poison in them so it would have been a swift death for the Starfleet inventor guy.

Richardson gets hit with a poison pill so he's not long for the world, sad day, so Spock, and Kirk start hand to hand fighting these androids. Kirk finally disables an eye and jabs it in the robot stomach and so both robots are sort of trashed. Then Kirk spots a single drip of green blood on Spock. Spock had been hit with one of the poison capsules. Shiiiiit. Kirk finally uses a device to disable the machines permanently and helps Spock outside.

There's this actually really heartbreaking scene where Kirk and Spock are saying their goodbyes and thinking out loud what the time shift would be like and Spock says "'I do not believe the end will be painful, Jim'" and you just go OHHHH SPOOOCK and then they feel they've found contentment with eachother and Spock initiates one last meld and Kirk says "'Take us home, Spock,'".

BROKE MY DAMN HEARRRRT.

BACK ON THE ENTERPRISE! HOORAY!


McCoy is talking to Kirk about how the crew isn't having anymore crazy dreams and everyone had been having similar dreams before and Bones calls Kirk "Ensign" to fuck with him.

"'Killing time is a hobby, Jim,'"

AND WE HAVE A TITLE!

So Kirk goes to fake Earth room and sits down on his little bench and sees a ring in the dirt. He picks it up, and it says "JTK--LUCK WALKS WITH YOU" and it's a ring from when one enters the command courses in the Academy. So Kirk shits himself because it's from the alternate universe. So then Spock walks up, of course, and discusses the end of his dream. He mentions the meld and remembers seeing Kirk die in his dream and "...found it difficult to conceive of his friend's death." Cute.

Back on the bridge, Richardson, alive and well, comes in and chats with Sulu.

Now in Spock's quarters, Spock suggests a meld to answer some questions about the dreams. Kirk's up for anything twice (...wut lol) and so the meld ensues.

"...somewhere, in a universe locked away from reality, a Vulcan commander and his human friend demanded recognition."

So I guess they re-live the whole thing and Kirk's like "was it real?" and Spock's all "lol idk" and Kirk remembers the ring! And he's like "OH MY GODDDD THIS IS LIKE SOME FUCKING OUIJA BOARD SHIT RIGHT HERE!" but they decide that there isn't enough proof so they won't tell Starfleet because they, you know, want to keep their jobs. Kirk ribs Spock about doin' it with a Romulan Praetor and Spock gets all mad saying he can't help what his counterpart did and Kirk's like baw I was just joshin' ya.

In the epilogue, Kirk takes the ring back to where he found it and puts it back.

THE MOTHERFUCKING END, GOD DAMN.


Tags: star trek
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